The days of email forwards are pretty far gone at this point, but there’s one I still quote on a regular basis. Not because it’s profound but because it’s really funny, it’s probably not entirely appropriate but I still like it. I was wishing I still had a copy of this very email and lo and behold I do (one of the benefits of being a long time blogger is that there’s a good chance you’ve published something, at least similar, somewhere).
– We like to keep Mass interesting. We sit, stand and kneel, in no particular order. Probably just to keep the blood flowing.
– It’s not merlot and Ritz they’re serving; it’s the Flesh and Blood of Jesus. No, really.
– Forget a big meal afterwards, just pick up some of the breakfast tacos they’re always selling after Mass
– We all have 20 cousins. On each side of the family.
– Infant Baptism isn’t dumb; it’s after-life insurance.
– $5.00 in the collection basket is the epitome of generosity. Anything more than that, someone has just hit the lottery.
– A missal is a book, not a weapon. However, it has been known to pull double duty.
– The signs we make aren’t just a mark of respect, they’re a lot of fun to do.
– Every Catholic Guy tries to sit next the really hot girl they like at Mass. This is because they really want to hug during “Peace Be With You” and hold hands for the “Our Father”
– We really like statues. A lot.
– After every confession, everyone hits themselves on the head. This is because they have realized that they forgot that really big sin, and they know that it’ll hang over their head til the next time.
– Contraceptives? Why?
– The 14 Stations has nothing to do with TV.
– “Peace Be With You” is just a way to meet pretty girls.
– We’ve always been taught that celibacy til marriage is the only way to go, forever and ever, amen. That being said…
– “Sin on Saturday. Pray on Sunday. Confess on Monday”.
– The Virgin Mary is not a God and we don’t treat her as such. But she is without sin, gave birth to Jesus and did it without having sex. That warrants more than a little respect.
– We actually get all the jokes in Dogma.
– There are two very different, irreconcilable factions in every single church in the world. They are known as the Saturday or Sunday Mass bunch.
– St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. SNAKES.
– Bake Sales are a way of life.
– Priests have been giving us alcohol since we were little kids. No wonder any one of us can drink Protestants under the table.
– Mass is nearly unchanged after almost 2000 years. We’re a little stubborn.
– Catholic School Girls.
– The Catholic Our Father is different. And longer. And better.
– We all know Da Vinci code is bogus and inaccurate. Yet we’ll still read it if nothing else is goin on.
– We have Midnight Mass so there are no interruptions on Christmas morning
– There’s no way to explain it, but Catholic girls are just scorching hot.
– There’s no need for impromptu prayer; you can always fall back on the Rosary
– It’s not uncommon for just one family to take up an entire pew or two.
– Boondock Saints is the greatest movie ever. E-Ver.
– Confession. Enough said.
– When in doubt, say a Hail Mary.
– Who created Family Guy? Oh yeah, a Catholic!
– Whenever anyone in Star Wars saga says “May the Force Be With You”, we get the urge to say “And Also With You”
– The Pope does indeed wear a funny hat. But it’s way more interesting than Joel Osteen’s suit and tie.
– We’re the oldest Christian religion. Period.
If you appreciated, chuckled or even smiled at some of these, you’re not a wacko. You’re just probably a member of the one of the oldest and largest religions in the world. Open to all Catholics around the world.
*A similar version of this post was published on July 17, 2007