The Practice Of Unremembering

Anyone who knows me knows that fall is probably my least favorite season (yes, I’d even take a snownado before saying yes to fall). The pumpkin spice craze is enough for me to give the season two thumbs down.

It’s been my least favorite season for as long as I can remember, but in the last few years it’s gotten worse. I had surgery in the fall, which was a positive, but many days recovery literally meant not leaving the house (or even bed).

1 year, 1 month, and 1 day after surgery I took my first independent steps; a good day, but a long time coming (so not as great as one might think).

Then people started to die.

I made a conscious effort to remember all these important days and it’s draining as hell. I’m not the biggest fan of crying, even in private, and there I’d be sobbing as soon as I walked in the door.

I was so concerned that I would forget something so “important” that I was slowly destroying myself emotionally.

I thought this year would be different.

Then a close family friend of close family friends died. Someone I barely knew when I knew them, yet I spent many nights reading comments online and looking for memorials.

I was trying to remember someone I barely knew.

I realized I had to change my thinking or I was going to drive myself crazy, perhaps literally.

I need to learn the practice of unremembering. It’s OK to remember, but to attach it to a specific date forever means (for me) that I’m living between sad moments to other sad moments, that somehow I can’t allow myself to be happy just because something else came before and took that spot on the calendar.

Fall may never become my favorite season but maybe I can make things a little easier on myself.

Do you have any hang-ups that you need to let go of?

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