Do You Want To Know A Secret?

So where was I?
Oh yeah, no one knows everything there is to know about me……

Shockingly I’m not shocked by this. You don’t accumulate close to (or over) 40 filled journals if you don’t have things you feel that you need to keep to yourself. I’ve never gone back and reread anything I’ve written in a journal. I have no desire to do so either. I’m almost positive there’s very little worth saving in any of them. I might have one journal’s worth of insights worth saving to reflect on at a later date. So why don’t I just throw them all out? Good question. The answer is I just can’t throw them out. It would free up a whole area in my already small closet but I just can’t throw them out. I feel sorry for the person who has to deal with all of them when I die. Out of respect for whoever that person might end up being I’ve come close to throwing a few of them out. But then I have a thought, throwing them out would be like ditching a friend.

When I can’t say it at least I can write it.
I can’t let that go that easily.

Most people would consider me a talker. O.K. EVERYONE who’s ever known me would call me a talker. It’s not something I’m really proud of believe it our not. Especially when someone says, “WOW you can talk a lot.” (By the way thanks to Bill for being the last person to point that out. I hate you and your stupid chicken hearts.) There’s a good reason why I’m “such a talker.”

It’s a major defense mechanism for me.
I’m sure you’ve heard, at least once, that talkers really have a lot to hide, although I prefer to say keep to myself. This is extremely true for me; especially with people I don’t know or feel I don’t know well. If I talk first, and keep talking you won’t have the chance to ask me anything too personal. You’d think it would be a good plan if you were the one doing the talking but honestly, I get to a point where I wish I would shut up. Yet I rarely will.

During my week in Portland I was mistaken as a major extravert, by several people. I had to laugh, to myself of course, when I heard this. No one knew that I sat in silence for almost a week before hand to prep myself for orientation. Very few people noticed that by Wednesday I keep finding ways to go back to my cabin just to have some quiet time. No one knows that I spent most of the trip to Spokane, which included a rather long detour, sleeping, or rather recovering from such a taxing week.

My “extroversion” is just covering up how introverted I am.

I come from a big family. (S)he who yells loudest might be heard. We have 6 different conversations with 6 people sitting at the table. Everyone easily goes into their own world while becoming part of other people’s worlds. We can have 6 conversations while playing a board game together, with one of us talking on the phone to someone else, while eating lunch, while swapping goods and discussing the remodeled bathroom. It really is a fun family dynamic, even if it does make an outsider want to run for the hills.
I have so much fun with my family sometimes that I do wish I could do it every day. Then I remember….
They exhaust the hell out of me.

I didn’t want to go to my prom. I wouldn’t have if certain people didn’t drag me. I did have a good time but I would’ve been just as happy sitting at home.

I went to the charity ball once in college, for all of the same reasons as my one middle school dance. I had a much better time than I did at the prom. Of course, appointing myself event photographer for my group certainly helped. It was one of the only times in recent memory that I didn’t think, “I could have just as much fun by myself.”

I went to only one dance in middle school. I only want because I thought I might regret not trying it at least once. I hated it. Going to the diner after was fun but I could’ve had the same meal any other day at the same diner. In fact, I have and had a much better time than I did after the dance.

Yes, I realize I just gave 3 very similar examples but not much differs in different situations. My point is I prefer to be around people I know. A small group of people I know. I knew most of the people at the charity ball and would call them friends (unlike the other 2 examples) but I still stayed with the group I arrived with. Small groups work best for me with people I know.

What about group projects you ask? No matter if I know my group members or not my philosophy is pretty much as follows, get out of my way, leave me alone, when I want or need any other input I’ll ask. Most importantly let me do the work I need to do,

I’m pretty sure if I didn’t think about the possibility of regretting something later on I’d never leave the house. I know if my desire to see different places wasn’t as strong as it is I would never leave.
But I wasn’t always this way.
So what changed?
I’m not really sure however the fact hadn’t changed that I’ve gone from being O.K. socially, maybe not perfect but I could get by, to being one step away from desiring to be a hermit.

Yes, the life of a hermit does have a certain appeal to me.

Everyone has secrets and things they want to keep to themselves. But there’s a group of people who let their secrets become bigger things. They let them grow into walls.

I’m one of those people that let their secrets become walls.
The walls became a fortress.
The fortress became the only place I can really be me.
But the fortress has a moat.
The moat doesn’t allow anyone else in, as reinforcement.
But here’s the thing about my fortress……
I want other people to know who I really am.
Too many people have let me down for me to do that easily.
If you hang in there you’ll see who I really am.
Hang around long enough to prove to me my walls can crumble.
You just might like who I really am, even more than you like who you think I am.

*A similar version of this post first appeared on an old blog on October 28, 2008

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