Grad School: The Final Semester

I’m pretty sure a lot of people never thought I’d reach this point, honestly, I had my own doubts at times.

As far as semesters go this one was fairly lonely, like my first one, except this time I was able to recognize the loneliness. I knew a few people in class but not well, and I really didn’t want to make any new friends (yes, I am that kind of person). I wouldn’t go back to last year if given the choice, but I missed comradery, much like last fall.

You’d think I’d have the whole studying routine down by now, but no, there were plenty of nights when I was clicking submit at the last minute. But there were times when I completed assignments a week ahead of time. So yeah, that time management thing went to both extremes.

Although there were times when I wanted to quit, no matter what semester it was, and return to life as a normal person now I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve caught up on Netfl!x, which didn’t take nearly as long as I would’ve thought. So much so that I’ve started and finished watching other things.

I’ve even read a book or two, which I swore I wasn’t going to do for 6 months, at least. And by book or two I mean I’ve read a pile or two of books.

I took a short break from swimming, but it was more of necessity than want. And I regretted it within 2 minutes of getting back in the water, the break from swimming, not the swimming itself.

People keep asking me “what’s next?”

Honestly, I have no idea.

Am I cut out to be a normal person anymore?

My face has been buried in books and writing papers for years. I’ve had to turn down more social engagements than I can count, I don’t care to, really.

School has been my excuse to not do things I don’t want to do, but didn’t want to just say no either, so it worked on a few fronts.

I’m sending out my resume again and seeing what’s out there. I’ve been doing it some in the last year but nowhere near seriously.

But that’s not the part that freaks me out the most, although it is daunting.

What will I do with my free time?

I’ve had projects on the backburner for years, but is it time to give them more attention?

That would require some shifting, for sure.

Should I pursue a career based on filling someone else’s shoes or should I continue to forge my own path?


12 Days Of Christmas, Kinda

There are so many reasons why I hate the start of the Christmas season, at least the commercial version of it. I’m not sure when it started but I was ecstatic in college when I was given an Advent calendar that included the Christmas Octave.

My cousin says it’s because I know too much, that may be the case now, but back then I think it was just an annoyance.

I hate having to buy Halloween decorations in early September, that Christmas movies run 24/7 on some TV stations from October 1st through New Year’s, and the supposed “war on Christmas, among other things.

I look for anything for an escape, at least until Gaudete Sunday, so imagine how I felt when my coach told the group about the “12 sets of Christmas” challenge.

I’ve heard stories about swim practices during holiday breaks, “Grinch week” or “hell week” are common terms, although mostly in younger groups. Usually time around the holidays is devoted to fun games that happen to double as technique work or some sort of cross training, so I thought the sets would be like that.


It was going to be unpleasant, to the point where I would probably hate it.

I tried making the argument that it was Advent and not Christmas, at least at the time. I threw out the “Catholic card,” knowing it wouldn’t get very far but it was worth a try. It wasn’t totally bailing on the challenge, just putting it off. Anything that would buy me a few more days without time trials makes for a better practice.

However, the “12 Sets of Christmas” was to be completed in December. Thus, covering both the Advent and Christmas seasons, more or less. So even if my argument had held up it wouldn’t have been for long.

It did get me to focus less on Christmas and more on what I was actually doing, which is a good thing, and an essential for a 400-yard Individual Medley, for time, among other things associated with swimming well, or at least well-ish.

I survived Advent and Christmas, and the associated swim sets, actually, I think the swim sets helped take the edge off the intensity of the holiday season.

Although I think it’s weird that the Valentines paraphernalia made an appearance during Advent.

One Word: 2018

Build. Chance. Providence. Transition. Endurance.




It just feels right.

It sounds better than “blank”, which is really how I feel right now.

I was going to class it up with “transition,” but been there, done that.

This time feels less formal than a transition, like taking a deck of cards and throwing it in the air kind of formal (as in there’s no order to it, at all).

I’m not completely lost, but things are more or less wide open in terms of my next steps.

It’s not like I wake up every morning wondering what to do with myself, at least not every morning.

It’s more of a discernment thing.

One of my most favorite things to do.

(Not really)

I’m not on the verge of existential crisis or anything, at least not yet, but it can easily go that way, based on past performances.

I’m not in any particular predicament either, but again, it could easily go that way.

I do have a tendency to misjudge situations, like staying in temporary jobs too long or not staying in a position long enough to make it a solid life decision.

Do you see why I chose “flux” instead of “transition” (again) this year?

Similar situation, but far less structured, less direction, more questions that will need answering, at some point.

(I’d like it to be sooner rather than later, but God tends to have other ideas)

One Word: 2017 Review


There were a few obvious reasons:

-Attempting to become more of a distance swimmer, because although a 50m doesn’t seem like a lot of work it can be just as hard as swimming a mile. I need the endurance, literally.

*I’ve been focusing on 100s & 200s. It requires endurance but if I pace myself I don’t find them to be as difficult as 50s, mentally or physically.

-Although I’ve made it through the bulk of my degree program I’m really just getting to the hard stuff. I won’t be pushed out of my comfort zone I’ll be blasted out of it, no matter how much I prepare.

*I survived, give or take a mental breakdown. Enough said.

The not so obvious reasons were:

-Starting a search that would lead to an actual career.

*Can we talk about how unfun the searching and applying processes are? But I’m making some progress, it’s better than nothing.

-Basically become better at “adulating,” because I’m (hopefully) going to be an adult for a longer period of time than I was a kid.

*What does “acting like an adult” really mean anyway? How does one measure how “adult” they are?

-The older I get, even though I’m not that old, the more energy I need to get things done. I’m not just talking about physical energy but mental and emotional energy, probably even more so than the physical aspects.

*I love naps. The older I get the more I like them. Ironic considering, I was that kid that never napped in daycare or pre-school. I appreciate being able to go to bed (and fall asleep) early. I’m not envious of people who get to wind down their day at 9pm.

-Developing endurance will give me the opportunity to have more time to devote to one thing at a time, hopefully.

*I don’t have the slightest clue what I meant by that. I’m not sure I’m wired in such a manner than would make that achievable. It is a nice thought though, I’ll give myself that much.

When I Grew Up

I don’t think I can come up with the full list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. So obviously none of the have panned out. However, I’m still waiting to “feel grown up,” never mind actually be grown up, so something could pan out eventually.

There was that time that my high school guidance counselor assumed that I would become a nurse because my mother’s a nurse. My mother then asked the guidance counselor if she had ever even met me before this one meeting, because if she knew anything she knew I would never be a nurse.

Point: Mom

Then there was that one time I was reviewing my health history with a nurse practitioner when he jokingly asked why I never considered become a physical therapist, my answer was “because I wanted to learn something new,” obviously.

I think I’ve had similar goals for why I wanted to be whatever I wanted to be at any given time.

I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives and maybe help them see things a little differently.

It’s hard to say if I’ve achieved this goal but I’m working on it.

I’ve realized I spent a lot of time (probably far too much) trying to be something I’m not. It wasn’t that obvious, it was certainly subtle from my prospective, but with each change I’ve made I feel like I’m getting closer to what I’m supposed to be as grown up.

The funny thing is, if you have a weird sense of humor, I feel like who I’m meant to be as a grownup has been following me around for quite a while just waiting for me to turn around and embrace it.

So, what did I want to be when I grew up?

If you can think of it it’s probably something I thought I wanted to do for at least 5 minutes. None of it has panned out as of yet, somewhat thankfully I admit.

And let’s get real for a minute, I have CP I can’t just have any job I wanted (actually that applies for everyone regardless of ability). So, there were countless things I wanted to be when I grew up that I knew would never happen, so let’s all be thankful I was never interested in Ballet, for example.

I did want to be an Olympian. That was one of the few things I convinced myself I could do, even with CP. I just figured I’d automatically be one of those heartwarming human-interest stories you see between events and commercials.

This was before being rejected from even trying out for the swim team & before I knew there was this thing called the Paralympics for athletes with a variety of disabilities. I don’t want to close the door on my dreams of Olympic glory, but it may be a little late to make a run for Rio (and I’ll probably be too old for Tokyo?)

When it comes down to it I wanted to make an impact on people’s lives. I wanted to make them see things differently or think of something they’ve never thought of before. I never wanted to be someone’s inspiration, but if that happened along the way who am I to disagree.

Now all I have to do is grow up

*A similar version of this post was published on November 21, 2014

Why I: Am Choosing The Back Burner

I’ve been joking for a while that anyone who’s actually following my blog is watching its slow demise.

Honestly, I feel like I’m stringing people along instead of just making a decision (NOTE: if my intuition is correct tell me, especially if you have any strong opinions either way).

Here’s the truth, I’m really enjoying school. Like, if I have any free time at all I want to spend time working on assignments, at least 90% of the time anyway. Why bother putting off “little” assignments that you can get done pretty easily, if you had the time.

The exception being major papers, midterms, and finals, I’m not that far gone. And does anyone really look forward to that stuff?

If it were up to me I’d go to school full time and continue to freelance, because that’s been awesome too. Plus, my advisor, professors, and formation director are fully aware of my goals and more than ready and willing to support my simultaneous pursuits.

It’s a great ideal but it’s just that, my ideal. I have to work in order to make the rest of this work.

It’s a lot to fit in in any given day, but I’ve been able to make it work. In fact, my time management skills have improved greatly (although there is still plenty of room left to grow). So it’s not that I don’t have the time. I could make the time for something if I made it more of a priority.

Here’s the thing, my blog and who I am as a blogger needs to shift or maybe transition would be a better word. I’ve shifted topics from here to there and back again, so that’s not new to me. But I’m not getting the feeling that “Keep Calm & Blog On” is the approach I should take here.

I don’t want to stop blogging. That doesn’t feel right either. I would just be leaving a bigger gap where I’ve tried to fill a void. Nor do I want to overfill the void by telling you everything that’s been filling up my life and how it relates to having CP. I’d rather share the soapbox, if I have to stand on one at all.

So, I need to figure out what I’m doing here and more importantly why, at least when it comes to blogging.

Ideally, and I think what I’m heading towards, is more of an integration of all of my projects. Just how to go about that, if that’s really what’s meant to happen, is the challenge here.

But there’s one thing I have to do first, step back and think.

I’m choosing the back burner, because it feels right.

*A similar version of this post was published on December 30, 2014

Normal Is Nice

Fall means a season of follow ups, and usually a mix of emotions.

The emotions are still there, but I’ll get to that later, or not.

The follow ups are still there, and they will be for the foreseeable future, but they’re different.

I was sitting in an exam room waiting, actually I was staring at the sink, when I thought of a poem.


Yes, I was waiting a long time. Yes, I do get philosophical the longer I wait.

I remembered waiting to be told I had healed enough that I could stand up, and then feeling pain shoot up my legs as they took on my body weight. It was pain, the very reason why I put myself though all of this, but it was different pain, and I was happy about it.

As the weeks of rehab turned into months my feelings towards standing went from happiness to anger, as happened in every stage of my recovery process.

Every follow up I’d wait, and wish someone would find something that would make me better, a more improved version, faster.

That never happened, at least not yet. And no one ever declared me “recovered,” not officially, that came with some self-acceptance.

I sat in the exam room, again, but with a different expectation.

The expectation of normal.

“Normal is nice,” I kept thinking.

And it was, the follow up went as I expected, and I wasn’t upset or overly happy over it.

It was normal, and it felt nice, to be OK with this (not so) new phase of my life.

Regardless of how you feel about standing, normal is a nice place to be.

Defining normal, that’s the hard part.

Here I Go Again, I Guess

Remember when I said my future as a podcaster was up in the air?

Well it still is, I think.

Dan and I recorded a podcast mainly discussing the future.

If you listen to it you know that we tackle the quality content vs the content for content sake discussion.

And the time it takes to put a podcast together.

Then there’s the matter of throwing something into the void and hoping someone hears you.

But if nothing comes back to you it becomes like screaming into a void, eventually you get tired.

The thing is I’m not just talking about podcasting either.

I have a blog (which you’re reading).

A career.

A ministry to devote time to.

I love creating content for people but I’ve come to realize that I’m not a content creating machine, at least not in the literal sense.

Like many podcasters who recently took hiatuses, like Sean & Greg & Jennifer, I realized I need to take time for myself and things I enjoy rather than focusing all my attention on what others may want to hear about without actually knowing for sure.

I am not a factory if my heart’s not in it people can tell so I need to focus on quality of content rather than quantity of content.

So, for now, or forever, podcasting will be lower on the priority list (for me anyway).

Things could change however.

Here’s how:
-Send feedback whether it be on the podcast or my blog.
-Send topics, again whether it be on the podcast or my blog. It’s a lot easier to create content if you have a topic you know someone(s) is interested in hearing about.

Review Session

I’ve been riffling through my past writings, for various reasons. I can’t say it’s been all fun rereading everything but it has been interesting.


Two years ago I was pre-surgery*

One year ago I was post 1 round of Botox*

*I did indeed have to search the archives to remember this

This year the MDs & Ph.D.s are pretty much hands off.

Progress indeed.

Things aren’t prefect.

But a CP body isn’t your typical definition of perfect.

“It doesn’t get easier or harder. It just gets different.”

The idealistic picture I had in my mind two years ago is a distant memory. As in so distant I barely remember the picture, other than I had one.

The real picture is coming into focus.

I’m sure there are things that could use fixing. In fact I know there are. They’ve just been put in the “wait and see” category, and it looks like they’ll be staying there.

Do I want them fixed?
Of course.
But I don’t know how much difference it’ll make overall.

Plus I’m in pretty awesome physical shape.
Going in for more work would mean “tearing down” my hard work.

That’s the biggest negative for me.
Further improvement would come at a cost.

I’m not 100% with how things are.
I’ve made that pretty clear to a lot of people.

But who is really, truly, honestly happy with themselves 100%?

Even if I can still see room for improvement that doesn’t mean I have to bow to the surgical gods for it.

A big revelation for me I admit.

I can manage my own trajectory.
Modern medicine will always be there.

*A similar version of this post was written on September 2, 2011