Would you believe that I’d forgotten my word for this year?
Rereading my original post from January wasn’t an eye opener as much as a reality check. I had no idea what was ahead of me this year but if you read it with the benefit of hindsight you may think I was slightly psychic.
Particularly when I said, “This time feels less formal than a transition, like taking a deck of cards and throwing it in the air kind of formal (as in there’s no order to it, at all).”
Specifics aren’t that important, especially considering I’m always looking for more topics to write about. So let’s just say this year has given me plenty of reasons to generate content, it’s just a matter of timing before the content gets created.
However, when I read that I actually wrote,
“I’m not completely lost, but things are more or less wide open in terms of my next steps.
It’s not like I wake up every morning wondering what to do with myself, at least not every morning.”
I had one of those “did I actually write that” moments.
I thought I sounded like a complete idiot, but that’s with the benefit of hindsight, if realizing your idiocy can in fact be a benefit.
I do wake up most mornings wondering what to do with myself. It wasn’t planned, and it’s not ideal but it is what it is. My time may be filling with meetings but that’s about it as far as structure goes. I don’t schedule the meetings, set the agenda, or work out the logistics (at least not yet), so I just have to show up, listen, and maybe put in a cent or two here and there.
Other than that, I wonder what I’m going to do with myself most days.
Given the benefit of hindsight I realize I go all in on things if the stars align. If they don’t then I struggle with focus and personal drive.
It’s there, but I have to be hooked in.
School was an easy thing to get hooked on, once I acclimated, if I wanted a degree, I had to earn it (and boy did I, on both counts).
Competitive swimming was another easy one. When it’s something you’ve wanted to do so long you can’t remember your first thought about it the “buy in” is a given. I’d be at the pool all day everyday if I could. However, being a competitor more nuanced you must train for it. Meaning you can’t just show up and swim. Having changed pools and workout groups I’ve discovered the “buy in” I have doesn’t work in the same way wherever I find myself training.
Then there’s the continuing need to keep building a career for myself. The hook keeps shifting. I need money to live and I need to be passionate about something. Those are two completely different hooks, at least at the moment, and I would like these two hooks to turn into one. If I’m being honest money isn’t always the best hook for me, it works, but in the short term, and being disabled is expensive so packing a bag and venturing off into the unknown like Eat. Pray. Love. or Wild isn’t an option. An Into The Light thing would be cool but I doubt anyone in my family would be down for that, for a variety of reasons.
I knew flux would be a good word for this past year because of the obvious unknowns, what I never factored into the equation when coming up with this word was just how many unknowns would come up in addition to the ones I knew about. My year of flux made for a long and frustrating year, so much so that I can’t wait to put the whole thing behind me.