On 2 Years

8 years ago my life was at a turning point in my life. I had been in pain for so long and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something about it. 2 years out I wrote about the progress after the turn. I thought I would see my life more differently 8 years after than I would 2 years later, although there are a few things that are different now the general sentiment is pretty much the same.

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A lot of people see scars as defects, at least detection of defects.
I look down at my scars and see differently.

Improvement.
Teamwork.
Hard work.
Skill.
Courage.
Faith
Obedience.
Accomplishment.
Risk
Hope

Just to name a few.

It took a long time to even get to that point 2 years ago.
Lucky for me there are times I’m like a dog with a bone.
Although I did feel like quitting plenty of times.

All I wanted to do was be who I was.
Rewind the clock.
Not be in constant pain.

It didn’t even occur to me that a fixed body would mean possibility & ability to actually become better. Even when the idea was presented to me I had my doubts, actually I didn’t think it was possible, just someone being hopelessly optimistic.

To borrow a line from Soul Surfer, “I don’t want easy, just possible.”
Well someone did, it just wasn’t me.
I was just waiting until I felt back to normal.

But when I wasn’t paying attention I was getting better.

Climbing up stairs without pulling myself up or using a handrail
Stepping off a curb
Being able to dress myself without falling over
Jumping
Walking backwards & sideways
Stopping at a street corner before crossing
Finally learning to walk with my heals with some consistency

All things most people without much thought at all.

It took a lot to get this far:

1 failed Baclofen trial
10 hours of surgery
Months of PT
Months of Pilates
Self-motivated pool sessions
Weekly one on one gym sessions
2 rounds of Botox

But I did it.

Everyone kept telling me the hard part was going to come after. I have to say they were right, as I’ve said; two years ago, the hardest thing I had to do was take a 10 nap while everyone else either worked or waited on me.

“We’re done,” meant “Your turn kid.”

But like the getting better part, the hard part happened when I wasn’t looking.

As Hemmingway wrote in, The Sun Also Rises, “Gradually, then suddenly.”

If I did this, what else can I do?

*A similar version of this post was written on September 13, 2011

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Summer Shedding

My summer has been full, as usual (but more on that later). My room is full of files of stuff that just reinforces my fullness (and lack of organization). But there were 3 shirts in particular that just kept sticking out to me, and recently I’ve had enough.

By the end of the day I ended up getting rid of nearly half of my clothing & shoes, starting to dispose of old prescription medication, and cleaning out my inbox.

I felt better that the deed was finally done but the piles seem to have reappeared, or maybe these are just the piles under the piles.

I’m sure you’ve heard of spring cleaning but this is more like a summer shedding.

I started with the three shirts and by the end of the day there was a mountain of clothing and shoes at the top of the stairs, and some of my drawers still can’t close easily.

For a long time I was worried about getting rid of a lot of things all at once because I had be told, and multiple times, that if someone gets rid of the majority of their belongings at once it’s a sign that the person is contemplating suicide. (I recognize the flaws in this logic upon hindsight, and current trends of minimalism)

Although I’ve gotten rid of a lot of stuff I still plan on doing it again, and soon, sort of a “round 2,” in case I changed my mind on something(s).

Truth be told there’s a lot of stuff I would like to rid myself of but I can’t, at least not anytime soon.

As much as I was dreading getting rid of so much stuff at once I felt much better about it once I got started. I did get sentimental about things but I was able to get past most of that and see the bigger picture.

Not to mention wonder why on Earth I saved so much stuff. What was my reasoning for it, at one point in time?

I kept finding myself jealous of people who have had to move multiple times in their lifetime.

I’ve been fortunate to be able to have a “home base” my whole life so even when I have moved I haven’t had to worry about taking everything with me (or worry about having somewhere to put it all when it came back).

What’s that they say about the grass being greener?

I don’t think much of my life will change from this experience, other than the fact that I’ll probably do deep cleanings more frequently, but I’m close to embarking on the next step of my life. I can’t have a bunch of “stuff” to leave behind if the opportunity presents itself.

10 Minutes, 10 Hours, 10 Days, 10 Weeks, 10 Months, 10 Years

The memories that pop up on social media seem relentless this time of year.

I don’t mean that in the negative way that it sounds either, but I’m not sure I can really come up with more adequate words.

August is the month I flew to Portland and made my way to Washington State.

August is the month I made my final preparations for a full year of rehabilitation.

August is the month friends got married and others took their first vows, on the same weekend no less.

August is the month I first went Chicago for a week, not knowing that it would become a yearly event.

August is the month friends took their final vows.

August is the month I’m buried under numerous deadlines, and social engagements to juggle on top of that.

It’s so many memories crammed into on month that it’s hard to keep track of how long ago they each were.

Whether they were 10 weeks ago, 10 months ago, or 10 years ago…….

They all seem 10 minutes, 10 hours or just 10 days, away.

It’s getting harder and harder to remember when they all occurred, other than it was August; I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

I’m sure at some point it will all even out, but that’s not the case, at least right now.

For now, I’ll let the memories run together, until others join them.

I Can See (It’s Not A Miracle)

I put my goggles on the same way each time, or at least I try to, it’s part habit, part superstition. So, when someone asks me about my goggles, like my coach did in the fall, it sometimes catches me off guard.

“Are those prescription goggles?”

I look down at my rainbow-colored goggles that clearly don’t have prescription lenses.

“You should get some, they’ll change your life.”

I’ve worn glasses since I was in preschool but I’ve always made do in the water; the back line was always wide enough and black enough to see, and after a few laps I can judge my approach pretty well, I know what numbers look like all blurred so I wouldn’t get into the wrong lane, or so I thought.

I looked up prescription goggles online and they aren’t any more expensive than the non-prescription ones, but I still put it off, for some of the seemingly irrational reasons available.

Like, not knowing what my prescription actually was. Honestly, until this process of goggle buying I did not know anything about my glasses. I have a guy who knows and I’m more than cool with that. After I called him and sought his advice I made a reluctant purchase, because they weren’t going to be my ideal goggles.

When they arrived, I looked at them with displeasure; they looked like the goggles most people wear (and now I know why). I spent money on something I didn’t really want and now I was just going to lose them, it was only a matter of time.

I wore them to practice, and I could actually see. I could see the clock, the lane numbers, I could see the walls from further away, and it turns out that black line wasn’t so clear before after all.

(It reminded me of Shelly’s post about her son’s experience with goggles)

I can even see the board after a race, which I always wanted to be able to see, but I really have mixed feelings about it.

But things still weren’t perfect. I still wanted my old goggles for one reason, they’re mirrored.

I’ve worn mirrored goggles since their invention, or close enough. It’s what I like best, and it turns out they do have added functional benefit, like keeping lighting glare out of my eyes. So, I bought another pair of goggles.

They still aren’t what I want but they’ve made things so much clearer for me, literally, so I really shouldn’t complain about it. Truth be told I’d probably still be wearing the same rainbow-colored goggles if my coach hadn’t noticed such a seemingly tiny detail.

Free The Feet (part II)

I’ve readjusted to life with an AFO, I guess. I’ve found a few positives to it too. Like having “walking shoes” and “sitting shoes.”

It may seem like every shoe loves dream but it took a little accepting from me. I hate having shoes everywhere so the fewer shoes to have around the better.

When my friend was ordained a few months ago I knew I needed to buy shoes, because I literally had nothing (and when a friend is getting ordained you make exceptions for them).

I found a pair of shoes I actual liked and didn’t worry about whether or not I could balance in them. I just made sure they fit my feet and I could get them off quickly if I did have to get someone in the event of an emergency.

They aren’t the perfect fit but they did the job and with any luck they’ll continue to do the job on future occasions (which is another requirement for me when it comes to footwear).

A common topic you’ll find around the internet is CP & footwear; in fact, there are blog devoted to it.

There are many other factors to consider besides, “do they have my size?” or “these are a nice color.”

In fact, those are often the two things at the bottom of the list of requirements.

Can I afford to buy two pairs of shoes? (Because sometimes bracing requires a bigger shoe, or your feet are literally 2 different sizes).

Can I manage to fit into one pair of shoes? (See above reasoning)

Can I modify them as much (or as little) as I need to without extra cost?

Can they last me more than 5 minutes?

Can I walk in them comfortably?

Can bracing fit in them without much added time or damage?

Can I wear them safely without added support? (Because sneakers aren’t exactly dress wear)

Do they have any potential for creating pressure wounds?

And on and on, and on……

While I may never have a “Cinderella moment” with any form of footwear I’ve learned to appreciate the “little victories” when I can get them.

I Pulled My Armpit?

I’ve been having issues with my right arm for months. I figured it was just lingering from my unfortunate encounter with a chair a few months ago. It would get better for a while and then not, and then get better and then not, and you get the idea.

I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal for most people but when your legs aren’t normal on a good day and your arm is sub-par you’re basically down to one fully functional limb on any given day.

I’m normally sore for a while after a trip too.

So, I just waited it out.

Until I thought maybe I should stop waiting.

I mentioned it to my trainer and he found a fairly large trigger point in the region of my scapula.

I texted a friend with a rehab background after my session to find out what she knew about it.

“Um, serratus anterior?……Basically the muscle on your side below your armpit.”

Awesome.

Wanting to know more about what I’ve gotten myself into I came home and looked it up for myself.

serratus-anterior

How someone can find an injury within this mess without the aid of additional studies is beyond me but I’m glad it’s possible, especially so early in the “Medical New Year” when I avoid any doctor related anything like the plague.

Being a swimmer with CP I’m realizing I have to be a different kind of careful when it comes to my upper body.  

Don’t Swear

I’ve always been the kind of person who swears a lot of things, “I swear I won’t.” “I swear I didn’t.” “I swear I’ll never.”……

You get the idea.

For as long as I can remember I’ve known people with 2 jobs, even in classmates in school (so if you counted school as a “job” they had 3 jobs). I never understood it. I understood that they needed the money but that’s about it. How can you balance such a life?

I swore I would never work 2 jobs.

Then I became someone who works two jobs.

I just covered it up by calling one a career & the other a job.

And although that’s what it feels like most of the time, they’re both still jobs.

The main reason why I haven’t written in 2 weeks is because I was having trouble balancing my life; between those two jobs.

And there was the 4th of July holiday, or as I call it “the day I watch ‘Independence Day’ and wouldn’t be caught dead outside.”

Oh and after the first week it was kind of fun to take a “blog-cation” and work on my office, which now has an actual desk! (It’s a pocket tray, but still).

In a roundabout way what I’m telling you is, don’t swear. I’m not talking about the 4 letter word swears, because I’d be the biggest hypocrite on planet earth (and quite frankly I enjoy those swears a little too much to give them up).

I’m telling you to steer away from the other type of swearing:

* I could never….
* I would ever…..
* I won’t……
* I’ll never…..
* I didn’t…
* I couldn’t….

I’m giving you this little piece of advice because if you’re anything like me swearing something is basically like daring God (or whatever you believe in) to “allow” it to happen (if you believe that’s possible).

And if you’re anything like me God likes to have a good laugh at my expense, I’d swear to it (almost).

*A similar version of this post was written on July 16, 2013

Being A Human Pincushion (part II)

 Once upon a time I said I probably wouldn’t mind being a human pincushion for a day, for a second time, if all the right ducks were in the right row. That almost happened this year, almost, when my PM&R’s office called needing to reschedule my appointment.

But with the sports medicine specialist away for most of the month (it’s conference season after all) it just wasn’t going to happen.

Instead I ended up going to Boston twice in a small window of time, without much time to spare, naturally.

On the plus side both appointments were resident free so that was pretty great, considering.

Although the appointments were over a week apart I still felt like a human pincushion, and not in a practical way that benefits me in the best way possible.

But it’s done, I’m hoping to get at least 6 months out of this round, although a year would be more ideal.

Never again would be magical. However, I know not to do that to myself.

So, I’ve set my sights on the 6-month mark.

The bruising and soreness has disappeared and I’ve returned to my regular activities, and then some.

I’ve made the appointments, just in case, but hope to be able to reschedule them for a later date.

Being a human pincushion isn’t an ideal situation but I think I’m beginning to come to terms with it and all that it entails, like scheduling appointments in a timely manner, rather than waiting until I’m “past due” and begging to be put on the schedule.

Although I’ve been a “professional patient” for decades I’m still learning the tricks of the trade.

Grad School: The Endless Spring

This is a hard post to write because the spring semester doesn’t feel over just yet, even though we are well into summer at this point. This was going to be my longest stretch of classes since going back to school. I knew that right off the bat.

That didn’t make it any less overwhelming, in fact it may have made it more overwhelming.

Rather than give you a full rundown or the last 5, yes, I said 5 instead of the typical 4, I’m just going to give you bullet points

-Not taking a 1 credit class between semesters last year ended up being one of the best decisions I’ve made in my post grad career. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have had a single break in almost 4 years.

-Being Catholic is vastly easier than becoming Catholic.

-The Church is full of technicalities that must be given attention and remembered.

-The Church is full of semantics that don’t make sense but you should still follow them.

-If you can’t find the answer you can find someone who either knows it or can find it.

-Support comes in many forms, sometimes in multiple forms at once.

-Ministry isn’t all peace and smooth roads, learning the more technical side of it is like walking barefoot on broken glass

-No one is right 100% of the time, even professors and/or priests.

-One person’s definition of “simple” is often another’s definition of “impossible.”

-It’s OK to lean on other people.

-Other people will need to lean on you.

-You will be on the verge of a nervous breakdown at any given point, so will someone else, that’s what group emails and texts are for.

-If you send a group email make sure everyone in the “to” field is actually in the class you are referring to, or else you will quite possibly be responsible for someone’s unnecessary nervous breakdown.

-Being on the receiving end of a “no” can be even more freeing than a “yes.”

-There is such a thing as too much communication between people.

-Being available to everyone in your life all of the time is impossible, not to mention impractical, don’t try to achieve it the collateral damage will be permanent.

-Very few people know what it means to really say yes to your vocation.

-Finding humor when and where you can can make your life choices worth it.

Speechless For Now, Or For Good

I recently wrapped my 1st stint as a podcaster. It was an interesting experience to say the least. It wasn’t something I ever envisioned doing but I didn’t want to turn down the opportunity.  It was a new challenge. And in all honesty, it was one I wasn’t always up for.

Now that the season is over I’m taking time to evaluate whether I want to do another season. If you listen to the season finale episode you’ll hear me joke about whether you’ll hear me on Special Chronicles in the future.

Honestly, I haven’t made any decision either way at this point.

There’s a lot to consider, now that I know what podcasting really involves.

-I have other projects I’d like to work on.
-Do I have the time for everything?
-Do I have the energy for everything?
-Can I produce enough quality content?
-Do I want to produce more content than I’m already producing?
-Do I have anything left to say that someone hasn’t said or can’t say?
-I went into this venture thinking it would be a temporary gig, although it lasted longer than I thought, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t still meant to be temporary.

And that’s just the short list of thoughts.

speechless-abc-tv-series-key-art-logo-740x416

When does one truly know when to step back, move on, or carry on?

I guess we’ll all find out the answer in the fall, at least in this case.