I’ve been trying to write something for more than a week. You’ve been there, right?
If you haven’t, lie to me.
May has been a challenging month. It went from being, “If I can just make it though these next few weeks” to “If I can just make it though this month.”
For those of you familiar with the spoon theory; I am out of spoons, almost.
I’m not sure where or when it started. At this point it doesn’t matter much. Life happens.
May (and a portion of April) has involved a lot of change. I have a love/hate relationship with change. It’s nice to break from the usual but the usual is the usual for a reason, because it works.
I’ve been thinking a lot about change. It’s a common topic of my life these days. I use to think I could handle change pretty easily, sure there were rough moments but they were manageable. And it was only one thing happening at once, usually.
These days every change seems to be followed by another, if not preceding another. It’s a lot. When I found myself “escaping” to my day job I discovered my “fill line” for change.
I keep telling friends and family that I feel things changing, and I wonder if they’re for the better, for the worse, or just time for it. My brain has been going through a category phase. It needs to categorize as much as it can as quickly as it can.
The thing that’s bothering me about all of this change, I think, is that 99% isn’t under my control, I chose very little of it. Change is exciting when you choose it or when you choose to accept it. I’ve had to figure out where I fit, if at all, in all of it. It’s not a fun process.
Change has a ripple effect. Even if you’re not the one changing the change can still affect you; hence the reason why I’ve had to figure out where I fit in constantly changing interpersonal dynamics with those around me.
To make matters worse, or at least it felt like it at the time, an opportunity presented itself that I wanted to take. It just wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.
I had to write an essay. But it just wasn’t just an essay. It had to be a personal statement.
In an effort to lesson my mental anguish at the process people asked if I had something already written that I could just update. Under the advice of a high school teacher I’ve kept everything I’ve ever written, mostly, even notes. So it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that I had a personal statement somewhere, or something I could turn into one.
I did the math, for filing purposes, at least at first. The last time I wrote an essay, of any kind, was ’07 (ironically April).
A lot has changed since then. I’m not a completely different person than I was back then but a lot has changed. None of those most “recent” essays would do.
Change happens. How you handle it is where the real change(s) seem to occur.
In the meantime, does anyone out there have any extra spoons?
*A similar version of this post was written on May 30, 2013