The Matter Of Discernment

The matter of discernment puzzles me.

I was 20 before I even heard the word discernment, and then I heard quite regularly at that. It didn’t take long before “discernment” sound like the magic word for some secret society. It annoyed me to no end for a long time.

I’m not much closer to discovering what discernment really means ten years later. Although I have been told on numerous occasions that it’s not a “get out of jail free card,” so I should really stop treating it like one.

Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

It’s one of those necessary evils of life, especially if you’re Catholic, if you ask me.

There seems to be an implication that one cannot possibly find their vocation without some sort of discernment.

While this is more or less true I don’t think it can be expressed in such a cut and dry fashion if people are really going to understand discernment.

I understand that there’s no definite “right” or “wrong” way to discern.

However I’m not sure I’ve ever done it “right,” or at least the best way for me.

I have, however, done what everyone else has done.

I’ve gotten up for the sunrise masses and before class rosaries (mostly).

Gone to prayer groups and Bible studies.

Rarely ever, and I mean ever, missed fellowship or adoration.

Made every retreat possible, even a yearlong SEEL retreat that included spiritual direction.

I even joined a discernment group (albeit for other reasons, at least initially).

And they’ve had great success, although a different definition of success than the secular.

I have the dubious distinction of being a religious sister’s prayer partner for a few months during our junior year (during her final pre-nun years). Just to give you an example. I like to tell people that I helped facilitate her discernment process, because that’s how things happened in my head.

It took me a while to really get that discernment has no timetable. Although it eats on my nerves when people say they’re discerning something and you know for a fact that they’ve been doing it for years. Talk about using discernment as a “get out of jail free” card.

Let’s not even talk about the people who are so certain of their plan because they’ve discerned it within an inch of their lives and then after a day (or what feels like a day) they do a complete change of direction.

Because the mysteries of discernment go both ways, and every which way.

Discernment’s never been my thing, at least not in the same way swimming or encountering unpleasant people seem to be my things.

It would be awesome if God would just speak very loudly and very clearly after a period of prayer and self-reflection.

Unfortunately, discernment doesn’t work like that either, at least not for most people.

Discernment is important. It’s also becoming a lost art in some aspects. Just don’t ask me for advice on it, because I have no idea what I’m doing.

*A similar version of this post was written on August 6, 2014

Advertisements

Revisiting: The Roll Call

Since I’ve been musing about the possible death of blogging and the importance of not overstepping boundaries when it comes to storytelling I thought it would be a good idea to revisit (and then repost) the database of Cerebral Palsy related blogs, with a few vlogs thrown in.

It’s worth noting that many of these blogs haven’t been updated in years and are written by people who have family members who have CP, both facts that bring to light my previous points. However, they all have content worth looking at if you’re interested in getting to know a few individuals that make up the CP community.

This same list will be updated and expanded on an as needed basis here.

A Life Less Ordinary

A.J’s Awesome Adventures

A Place To Write Things

A T-Rex Life (Videos)

A T-Rex Life: Cerebral Palsy And Me

About The Small Stuff

Adapted World

Adventures In Mattyland

Amazing Amelia

Amazing Syafiah & Co

An INFJ With CP

And The Wheels Keep Turning

Andersen Family Blog

Ayla’s Rainbow Connection

Better Than Normal

Bird On The Street

Brace Yourself Declan

Brendan’s Life With Cerebral Palsy

Brielle and Me

Bringing The Sunshine

Caleigh’s Corner

Caneable

Cerebral Palsy Baby

Cerebral Palsy Daily Living

Cerebral Palsy Family

Cerebral Palsy Mamma

Cerebral Palsy Soccer

Coley’s Corner

CP Shoes

Cracks In The Pavement

Crip Video Productions

Dealing With My Life With CP

disABLED guy

Do It Myself Blog-Glenda Watson Hyatt

Drake And Lulu

EMDeerx Muse

Endless Jubilee

Finding My Way: Journey Of An Uppity Intellectual Activist Crip

Following Elias

Free As Trees

Gas-Food-Lodging

Hannah’s Adventures of Living Her Dreams

Hanpike

Henry’s Heroes

How Life Happens

I Heart Milo

I Will Skate

In Bloom

In My Eyes: Life With Cerebral Palsy

In The Words Of A Green Giraffe

Insights From The Sidelines

Isla’s Journey

Jake Olver (Videos)

Jentry Holthus (Videos)

John W. Quinn (Videos)

Journey With CP (Videos)

Jude, The Diary Of A Baby and A Stroke

Jump In For James

Kaitlyn’s News- Living A Happy Life With Cerebral Palsy

Katherine Hayward, My Life With Cerebral Palsy

Kelsey Can

Kendall’s Hope

Kristen’s Life With Cerebral Palsy

Lieck Triplets

Life And Family, Steve Wampler Is Living With Cerebral Palsy

Life In Holland

Life With The Loraines

Living My CP Life (videos)

Love That Max

Making My Mark

Mark Henry

Massagermommy

Mattes’s Madness

Micro Preemie Twins: The Story Of Holland & Eden

Miss Charlie

Missy’s CP Journey

My (dis)Abled Life

My Life With CP (Videos)

My Spelling Sucks

Nich Vaughan

No Superhero

Off Balanced

One Day At A Time

Our 3 Little Miracles

Outrageous Fortune

Painting For Hailey

Premeditations: Reflections On Preemie Parenting

Riley’s Smile

Rob J. Quinn

Ryn Tale’s Book Of Days

Sammy’s Walk Through Life

Smith’s Holiday Road

So… How Did You Break Your Leg Then?

Spashionista Report

Speak Up, Sit Down

Special Momma

Stories With Sam

Team Aidan

That Crazy Crippled Chick

The Blessing Counter

The CP Diary

The Deal With Disability

The Fabulous Adventures of a Four-Legged Woman

The Galli-ringo Family

The Girl In The Wheelchair

The Grappler Within

The Nest

The Writer

Three Chocolate Brownies

Tonia Says

Trailblazing With CP

Trousdell Five

Tutti Frutti

Twingle Mommy

Unexpected Lessons

Updates on Lewis Jack

Verses Of Vaughan

Victor’s Smile

View From A Walking Frame

Welcome Blessings

Welcome To Elijahland

Wherever He Leads We’ll Go

Writer In A Wheelchair

Zachary Fenell (Videos)

Something

It’s been a busy week for me, so busy in fact I thought I might go a week without blogging, because the previous post was written before its actual postdate. So, I have about an hour to come up with something before the rest of my week, weekend included carries me away in its wake.

Oh, course I have next week off, and seemingly all the time in the world. Why does that always happen?

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the car this week going from place to place, particularly yesterday, so I’ve had plenty of time to think in the midst of my self-imposed craziness.

It’s no secret that I’ve been doing a lot of reading these last few months, but even so the one thing I haven’t been reading is the Bible. There’s no excuse for it, it is sitting on the end table after all, less than a foot from where I sit to write, although I have been known to do a quick “verse check” now and then, thanks to the world wide web.

Although verses are still finding their way into my thoughts, no matter how long it’s been since I’ve had quality Bible time.

Even though I’ve been so busy I’ve been taking time, or rather seizing opportunities, to get out there and make an attempt to step out of my comfort zone. Since having surgery, and even before that, I’ve felt the Lord had given me a special mission. For those of you who have read Sleeping With Bread I’m talking about my sealed orders here.

But is hasn’t been an easy process………
(Is it ever?)

I know I can’t sit and wait for things to happen. But what direction do I go in? What if I go the wrong way? What if I go in the exact opposite direction of where I’m supposed to go?

So I’ve been being intentional and thoughtful of how I spend my free time these days, beginning this week. I’ve been trying to get “me,” for lack of a better word, out there. I’m considering saying “Yes” to things I would typically say “No” to. Just to see what happens. Maybe saying “yes” when I would’ve said “no” will make all the difference.

It’s working out well so far, as far as I can tell anyway.

Here’s to saying “Yes” even when you really don’t want to.

*A similar version of this post was written on May 21, 2010

On Change

I’ve been trying to write something for more than a week. You’ve been there, right?

If you haven’t, lie to me.

May has been a challenging month. It went from being, “If I can just make it though these next few weeks” to “If I can just make it though this month.”

For those of you familiar with the spoon theory; I am out of spoons, almost.

I’m not sure where or when it started. At this point it doesn’t matter much. Life happens.

May (and a portion of April) has involved a lot of change. I have a love/hate relationship with change. It’s nice to break from the usual but the usual is the usual for a reason, because it works.

I’ve been thinking a lot about change. It’s a common topic of my life these days. I use to think I could handle change pretty easily, sure there were rough moments but they were manageable. And it was only one thing happening at once, usually.

These days every change seems to be followed by another, if not preceding another. It’s a lot. When I found myself “escaping” to my day job I discovered my “fill line” for change.

I keep telling friends and family that I feel things changing, and I wonder if they’re for the better, for the worse, or just time for it. My brain has been going through a category phase. It needs to categorize as much as it can as quickly as it can.

The thing that’s bothering me about all of this change, I think, is that 99% isn’t under my control, I chose very little of it. Change is exciting when you choose it or when you choose to accept it. I’ve had to figure out where I fit, if at all, in all of it. It’s not a fun process.

Change has a ripple effect. Even if you’re not the one changing the change can still affect you; hence the reason why I’ve had to figure out where I fit in constantly changing interpersonal dynamics with those around me.

To make matters worse, or at least it felt like it at the time, an opportunity presented itself that I wanted to take. It just wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I had to write an essay. But it just wasn’t just an essay. It had to be a personal statement.

In an effort to lesson my mental anguish at the process people asked if I had something already written that I could just update. Under the advice of a high school teacher I’ve kept everything I’ve ever written, mostly, even notes. So it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that I had a personal statement somewhere, or something I could turn into one.

I did the math, for filing purposes, at least at first. The last time I wrote an essay, of any kind, was ’07 (ironically April).

A lot has changed since then. I’m not a completely different person than I was back then but a lot has changed. None of those most “recent” essays would do.

Change happens. How you handle it is where the real change(s) seem to occur.

In the meantime, does anyone out there have any extra spoons?

*A similar version of this post was written on May 30, 2013

Maybe I’m Not An Expert

With March coming to a close so goes my blogging blitz. It never ends up how I think it’s going to and this year was no exception.

I feel like this year was different than the others, for a few reasons, less facts, more stories, for one thing, or is that two?

There were topics I wanted to write about but never got around to or have already written about. When I came up short I dove into my archives, probably more than I wanted to, but it worked. I think?

I’ll get to more stories later on, possibly when the timing is better.

One thing that kept getting my attention this year was the focus on children and the desire to treat, if not cure Cerebral Palsy as soon as possible.

This isn’t new by any means, but it seems to be gaining more attention for whatever reason.

In a way my focus this past month has been more personal because it’s how I’ve grown into adulthood and the different phases of life that people, CP or no CP, find themselves in.

Not every aspect of life comes with statistics, and even those that do come with outliers.

So, for now, and probably in the future, I leave you with more stories than statistics because you can find statistics somewhere else.

Life as an adult with CP is an oddity, a misconception which I brush up against every day, so although Cerebral Palsy Awareness month is over that doesn’t mean my efforts are over, at least not completely.

cropped-cropped-14457416_1201462926578091_6244959963288890507_n13

All Cerebral Palsy related posts

To Successfully Succeed

Confession: I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before. If I have and someone knows where the post is, would you be kind enough to post the link in the comments section. I’m not that great at virtual organizing so even if I did write something I can’t find it.

 Katy asked,
“How do you define success?”

 My answer to this question has very little to do with the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy, but I’m sure it colors my answer to some extent. I hope my answer gives you more insight into the fact that people with Cerebral Palsy are more like those without Cerebral Palsy than they are different.

This is question that’s like, “Describe your ideal summer vacation,” the answer changes depending on where you are in life. At 5 your ideal summer vacation is going to D!sney World. At 25 you’re just hoping you’ll be able to afford a summer vacation (we won’t go into how I feel about summer vacations these days).

If you asked the pre-college me & new college student me I would define success as being famous and having everything that goes along with it, or at least all the good parts you can think of (not the bad parts).

If you asked my recent college graduate self what my goals were she’d tell you she just wanted to finish the final projects and graduate. I never wanted college to end but I wanted to workload to end. I guess I’ve been a sucker for community longer than I thought.

These days my definition of success has changed a lot. I don’t want to be rich or famous. Nor will I feel unsuccessful if neither of those things happens, especially since that’s not how I chose to define myself anymore.

These days success comes in a variety of different packages.

A work day that involves minimal paperwork and I’ve reached daily goals I’ve set for myself as well as reaching the staff wide goals? Success. Making positive strides to live my word for 2013? Success. Networking to further my business? Success. Being able to pay my bills and have my insurance pay what they’ve promised? Success.

Things seem simpler now, not to mention more depressing now that I’ve written it, but it’s not really. My priorities have changed. It happens with most people, I’m guessing. It would be awesome to be able to travel more or take more “time off” but it’s not in the cards, at least in the recent future.

In terms of concrete things that I would like to be successful at, I would love for my business to do well enough that I’d be able to quit my day job and still be able to support myself. It would be nice to be able to be in a healthy relationship and maybe have a family, but right now I’m not planning anything other than being able to take care of myself. I’d really like to be one of the few small business success stories out there (Inquire if you dare!)

On the first day of classes every semester at least one of my friends would write, “I will do my best to successfully succeed,” it’s been something of a manta ever since. There are days when success is smaller than others, but it’s still success. What I really want is to succeed successfully throughout my life, meaning I want to do well without causing harm to anyone else, self-included.

*A similar version of this post was written on March 20, 2013

Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day

I’ve made no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of awareness days, yet I feel obligated to participate in them. Tomorrow is National Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day in the US, not to be confused with World CP Day which occurs during the fall.

There is a senate resolution officially designating March 25th as National Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day.

I’m not one to keep up the daily goings on of the senate, or any other governing body, so I don’t usually read official documents, but I read the resolution to see what it entails.

S.Res. 400 is a bit of a disappointment, unless I’m misunderstanding the purpose of senate resolutions, and if that’s the case someone please feel free to explain it to me.

All it says is what we already know, or information that can readily be found during a basic internet search.

I was hoping for something more, even just a little bit more.

I know the government is deeply divided but if this has become standard operating procedure in order to get our elected officials to agree to known facts than maybe we need to reexamine how things are run and who we are electing to run things.

So the government needs to agree that a condition that’s been around for 100s of years before agreeing that it needs recognition. Does this not sit well with anyone else, or is it just me?

We have a resolution that says tomorrow is National Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day. But what does that really mean? More importantly, what comes next?

march-25th-is-like-and-share-cerebral-palsy-awareness-day

*A similar version of this post was written on March 25, 2016

It Takes A Village

I’m pretty sure almost everyone’s heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child,” at least once in their lifetime.

Earlier this month I had to make a phone call. This wasn’t any typical call and it was meant to be anything but social.

Ever since Botox hit it big as a medical treatment (non cosmetic) it’s been circling my head like a bird. For the past two years the Botox discussion has becoming more frequent topic of my appointments. I’ll admit I was the first one to bring up the subject when it became an option, or I thought, now that someone else has been bringing it up I’ve been doing my homework on the subject and I’m more skeptical about it than ever before. I wanted to attempt to put the Botox question to rest once and for all so I made a phone call.

I don’t usually bring up my surgical history on a simple phone call but this was one of the exceptions. I knew I wouldn’t talk to my doctor personally without it and I wanted, and needed to speak to him personally. Of course the day I call he’s in surgery all day. Why do I always call offices on surgery days? You’d think by now I’d know to make some kind of chart to keep these things straight. I hate calling on surgery days because there’s a lesser chance of getting a call back without some kind of hassle. Most of you may not find this to be true and I’m happy that you have not had to encounter this; however I have found this to be true. Just my luck I guess. So I was pretty close to shocked when I got a call back that night.

Now I have to take a minute to explain my relationship with this particular doctor and what this has to do with anything else in my life, particularly the title of this post.
I’ve known Dr. L for over 20 years, basically my entire life for those of you keeping track. I don’t see him often, but when the shit hits the fan I often consider his opinion, whether he’s called or not. He’s basically like “The Godfather” of my medical life, although I’m pretty sure he’d be uncomfortable being called that. He’s basically the person who’s had the biggest impact on my life as I know it, parents not included. So his opinion on things that everyone has varying opinions on really matter to me. Not to mention I don’t want to do something that would do more harm than good.

Once I have him on the phone I forget my entire bit and ramble a little too much. He probably didn’t mind, or even notice, but I was mentally kicking myself. So I explain the situation to the best of my ability, which at the moment wasn’t anything close to my typical level of articulation.

He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear but he told me what I needed to hear, which is just as good. The Botox decision is purely mine. He did remind me that it is a temporary treatment. When I said I am always looking for something permanent, O.K. so I pretty much blurted it out in an effort to get a more definite answer, he said I should look for a surgeon.

So I kind of got the answer I wanted to hear….
It’s kind of nice that he considers me to be “adult enough” to make my own decisions.
(That may not be how he intended things to go but that’s how I’m choosing to take it)

With business out of the way we moved on to other things. It was mostly me, but he went along with it. I’ll spare you of all of the conversation because most of you reading this don’t know my medical history, so this could be somewhat shocking. Also, I don’t want to violate some kind of privacy boundary between him and me. If you want to know more of the story, leave me a comment and I’ll write about it at a later date.

The thing about knowing someone for most of your life, without them being considered part of your family is they still have memories of you with their own special twist. You wouldn’t think an “outsider” would have one such memory never mind a few.

As he was telling me a story about myself as a toddler, one that I’d never heard before I might add, I have a funny thought. “It takes a village.”

Anyone who’s ever spent any significant time around children; parents, teachers, nannies, etc, will tell you that it does take a village to raise a child, or some sort of communication and cooperation with everyone involved in the child’s development, at least. I hard to learn this first hand, I’ve sometimes called it “the hard way,” working in childcare. Whenever someone asks me what the hardest part of the job was I will, almost always, say the parents. The families I served were pretty amazing, but it wasn’t always easy building a relationship with them. It’s like friendships; some are easier to build than others.

I’ve always known that Dr. L played an important role in my life. I just didn’t realize how much until I talked to him again and he just happened to share something more personal, it really was a cute story and it would be just as cute even if it wasn’t about me. He’s part of the “village” that helped raise me and become who I am today. It’s sort of unreal to be able to admit that. A few times I’ve had the thought of what would have happened to me without him. It’s true we could’ve found someone else. But then would things turn out as well? How many people can point to one person and say they’ve probably had the biggest impact on their life? I don’t think the number is really that high, although some might disagree. I think I’m one of the true people that can point to one person and say that without them things would not be the same.

Realizing this connection gives me hope that I’ve had some kind of impact on the “My Kids.” I know I did, but it’s mostly due to the feedback I got from coworkers and parents. I wonder if they’ll remember me when they get to be my age, and I doubt I’m alone in this situation.

It’s really true what they say, you never know what kind of impact you’re going to leave on someone, especially a kid. It really is an amazing thing.

I’m so proud to be part of hundreds of “villages.” I hope I served them well.

*A similar version of this post was written on October 31, 2008

Off Balanced: A Review

Disclosure: I received a review copy of Off Balanced for free in exchange for my honest review. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and/or believe will be of interest for my readers.

I’m not good at giving honest reviews of things like books, movies, TV shows, etc. Actually I can manage the honest part; it’s the in-depth & detailed parts I have trouble with. So when I was asked to review Off Balanced (available on Nook or Kindle) by Zachary Fenell I figured I’d give reviewing another shot.

Off Balanced is the real life story of Zachary though his school years, primarily middle school though college. As Zachary puts it, “You stick out from everyone else at an age where all you want is to blend in and be like everyone else.”

Contrary to what I’ve found to be popular belief not everyone with CP knows each other though a series of coincidences & not everyone with CP can relate to each others experience.

It’s rare to find a book that’s so relatable yet so different from your own life that you want to keep reading & see it through to the finish. But this is one of those rare books.

Though the teen years everyone faces some form of social isolation at some point. However having CP adds another layer to the social awkwardness. Your brain & your body lack the coordination you’re physically awkward and emotionally awkward. It’s not a hole you’ve dug for yourself but you’re still stuck, and you still have to find a way to dig yourself out.

I can relate all to well to the summers devoted to physical betterment. The hours you spend alone in your personal training camps for the sake of the fresh start a new school offers to the kid with the funny walk who leaves class early & trips often. Then in spite of all the training something derails your plan, anything from well meaning parents, to overcautious administrators, to an orthopedic surgeon.

I have to take a minute to go back to the well meaning parents. There was little that made me truly laugh while reading Zachary’s story, especially when it came to parental intervention. But reading that he left his cane in his locker & he use to leave class early to take the stairs (when he was to leave class early to take the elevator) to his next class, it looks like creative thinking may be an unrecognized trait of a person with CP.

Zachary proves that putting yourself out there when all you want to do is blend in is really the best way to make something of yourself, and tell all the naysayers (even the ones in your own head) differently.

Off Balanced proves that an individual with CP is just that, an individual. The fact that they have CP is secondary, a detail that contributes to the whole picture of a person.

So in closing I’d like to say one last thing.

“It was good, you should read it.”

*A similar version of this post was written on February 10, 2012

Someone Like Me: A Review

Thirteen Reason’s Why You Should Read “Someone Like Me”
by John W. Quinn

  1. I could’ve written multiple pages of this book by page 30. So if you like this blog you’ll like this book.

2 John’s taken the pressure of me to write a book.

  1. It gives “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” a whole new meaning.
  2. It’s not all sunshine & rainbows, because it’s real.
  3. “…if pain is constant, is it even pain? Or is it merely my normal state of being?” (p. 20)
  4. A guy who made it though boot camp was told “heel toe, heel toe” in his lifetime.
  5. It proves the call to service is really meant for everyone.
  6. John’s best friend called him a quitter, so he didn’t quit.
  7. This book pretty much epitomizes that hard work pays off.
  8. Chapter 6
  9. I’ve already sent it to someone else to read, something I rarely do.
  10. I’d give it my full endorsement (if asked)
  11. “You are never alone. There is always hope”

*A similar version of this post first appeared on an old blog on February 17, 2011