May The Choice Be With You

I’m finding out that the older I get there’s so much more to learn than I ever thought there would be. I’ve often told my dad that, the older I get the dumber I feel, and most days I mean every word. Surviving Sandy was no exception.

I’ve lived through hurricanes before. This wasn’t my first evacuation either (and if I never have to do it again that’s fine with me). But there’s always room for another first.

I’ve always considered myself a tough person, kind of, when a lot of people tell you something, you start to believe it.

Up until recently my dad was an engineer for a major power company; I grew up knowing that having electricity is a right as well as a privilege.

I learned at an early age that there’s no master switch at your power company that someone uses to turn your power back on.

Going to work with dad often meant hanging out with a crew of linemen and bringing them coffee.

During major outages when it’s “all hands-on deck” my dad even worked as a lineman.

My parents (although largely my dad) have always stressed being prepared. Although a situation may not always be ideal do everything in your power to make sure you can in fact survive.

During my service orientation the concept of “no energy days” was brought up. I thought it was an interesting idea, but I was already giving up internet, cable, and who knew what else at that time. I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon before I actually moved into the house or talked to my housemates.

Sometime later and over dinner we discussed bills. It was suggested that one person in the house handled the bills. We agreed, but also wanted to be kept in the loop. I for one didn’t want one person telling me what I could or couldn’t do just because they paid the bills.

“No energy days” were appealing. We were all curious as to how far we could stretch ourselves in certain areas. The volunteers from the year before had “no energy days” regularly; I figured we could do it too, and better (although it wasn’t a competition, my brain often made one between the two groups).

I don’t remember many of the details of our “no energy day,” or how many we had. But when it came down to it it didn’t make much of a difference to us as a community, we were already unplugging things when they weren’t being used, we embraced, the fireplace, wearing layers and blankets before turning to the thermostat.

I also lived with a Montanan. For those of you who have never lived with a Montanan let me explain to you just how this impacts your life. They’re like the boy scouts on steroids, at least from what I’ve experienced.

And repercussions of such never leave you; like deciding to stay home in freezing temperatures because you have a mummy bag, plenty of stored up water, reading to catch up on, and a headlamp to read by.

Fast forward to Sandy. Honestly, I should’ve been able to handle it better. I have the skills and the know-how. Living without power, for example, for an extended period of time isn’t ideal but its doable, people survived without phones and TVs and such for hundreds of years after all.

Somehow in the personal debriefing of the situation, and unpacking, and organizing, a thought crosses my mind.

Choosing to go without has a purpose behind it, like self-discovery or solidarity or simplicity.

Going without do to circumstances beyond your control requires more out of a person. It requires just one more thing for you to do without, but it’s the biggest thing most people don’t want to give up.

Control.

Next time you find yourself going without, in whatever form that takes, may the choice be with you.

One More Thing: Next time you have a power outage & you see a crew of linemen out there working to restore your power bring them some coffee (or a thank you card). They not only work hard but long hours (12-16 during major outages) & many of them wouldn’t dream of doing anything else.

*A similar version of this post was written on November 13, 2012

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10 Tidbits: A Guest Post

I asked my friend Mary to guest post today. I “met” Mary after the death of Jack Morris when I had the idea to look up tributes people may have put together. Mary’s blog, Finding Joy In All Things, was the first one on the list.

Mary and I were in the same volunteer program in the same year. However, we were in different regions, so our first meeting had to be delayed a while. Each region has an orientation so while I flew off to the great Northwest, Mary was in New York. We probably passed each other at 36,000ft if the dates line up right.

I asked Mary to do a “response of sorts” to something I wrote last year on advice in long term service. It’s pretty awesome. Enjoy.

  1. Be gentle with yourself.  This was the best piece of advice I received at orientation.  You will face many challenges this year, and it helps to remember in these situations that you’re doing the best you can.  You don’t have to be perfect to be exactly what’s needed.
  2. Your experience is your own.  You’ll hear lots of stories from former Jesuit Volunteers, coworkers, and folks in your city about previous JV communities.  Remember that everybody has a different JV experience, and everybody brings a unique set of gifts.  Let your experience be your own and know it won’t resemble anyone else’s.

3. The four values are yours too.  There’s no JVC police enforcing a specific way of living the values of simply living, social justice, spirituality, and community.  You’re a grown up now, and you can choose how to live your life – including how you (or how you don’t) live out the four values.  They will be much more meaningful if you make them your own.

  1. Practice indifference. This is a fancy Ignatian way of saying “be open.”  It’s impossible not to have any expectations or preferences about what your year will hold, but try to be open to whatever your year has in store.
  2. Journal. I went through about four journals in my JV year, but I also write too much.  These journals are some of my favorite keepsakes from my year.  I love rereading them and remembering the moments and people that made my year special.   If you’re not a writer, consider taking pictures or drawing or whatever it is you do to remember things down the road.
  3. Consider making a house journal. My roommates and I got this idea from an FJV who had a traveling journal that was sent from roommate to roommate after their year ended.  We started our own mid-way through the year, and five years later the journal is still making its rounds.  It’s a nice way to stay in touch with community members after you go your separate ways.
  4. Find creative ways to amuse yourself. An $85 a month stipend doesn’t go very far.  To amuse ourselves in an isolated city (Syracuse, New York), my housemates and I played a lot of “full contact” spoons, sardines, telephone Pictionary and spent a lot of time outside.  We learned to find joy and entertainment in simple things like baking, preparing meals, writing letters to other communities, and planning get-togethers with friends in our city.  Even though we were broke, we managed to entertain ourselves.
  5. Travel. Especially if you are on the East Coast or have other communities within driving distance.  My community members and I took trips to Georgia, Portland, Newark, New York City, Pennsylvania, Hartford, Ottawa, Watertown, and DC all on $85 a month (see find creative ways to amuse yourself).  Tip: bring food for the car from home and accept hospitality from other communities.
  6. Update the folks back home.  When your year ends, it will make a big difference if your friends and family back home know what happened during JVC.  You will meet people and have experiences this year that will potentially change your life, and your transition to post-JVC life will be easier if the folks back home can talk to you about them.
  7. JVC doesn’t end at the end of your year. Even though it may not seem like it at certain points in the year, the year of service will not last forever.  Much more of your life will be spent out of JVC than in.  JVC is really just the prep year, the year that will “ruin” you for life, the year that will color the way you see many things for a long time.  Remember that you don’t have to figure everything out this year and that the journey is just beginning.

Bonus: JVC is the “real world.”  I got a lot of flack and heard a lot of jokes about doing JVC to postpone entering the real world; as if JVC was just playing pretend for a year.  I think people equate real with having more than $85 in expendable income every month.  From my experience, JVC was just as real as any other part of my life, and I saw and experienced things I never would have if I had just gone straight into a “real job.”   I’m a better professional and better person because of my year serving in JVC

*Sorry about the formatting. I have no idea how it happened, or how to fix it.

*A similar version of this post was written on August 8, 2013

Things New Volunteers Should Know/Remember

For most of the summer I received emails from the organization I was a volunteer of. Most of them were pretty standard, even the “we still need 3 volunteers, spread the word” email. I was sent the email with orientation information, since all former volunteers are invited, and asked one more thing.

“Do you have a sentiment to share with the new volunteers?”

Yes!

The trouble is it’s hard to put on paper, especially for people just leaving orientation. Your brain is swimming with anything and everything. I knew the chances of something I said sticking are slim. Now had they asked for notes for a volunteer’s first few days/weeks at placement, that’s another story.

Dear newly missioned volunteers,

You’ve probably been at your placements just a few days, even so here are Thirteen Things New Volunteers Should Know/Remember

  1. Orientation was like boot camp, but you’re not done, there’s still more to learn. Each. And.  Every. Single. Day.
  2. You aren’t there as a fill in or a substitute. You are there because they wanted you.
  3. There’s a reason for every workshop you sit though, take it from someone whose housemates are now married (indeed to each other).
  4. You’ll have at least one moment during the year that is screaming at you to turn around and go home. Don’t.
  5. Find a mentor, at your placement, in your larger faith community, in your neighborhood, it doesn’t matter, just find one.
  6. No matter how you decided to handle the holidays you’ll end up homesick, and probably crying at some point.
  7. Focus on community; the one in your house was given to you but build one outside of the house as well. Both will make you a better person, and help the other community thrive. You’re in individual who is part of a community, don’t forget.
  8. Be open to things you never considered. Say yes when you always thought you’d say no, but know that it’s O.K. to say “No thanks.”
  9. Very little will turn out “like you thought it would.” That’s a big part of the beauty of what you’re doing.
  10. You will love. You will hate. You will fight. You will be confused. Sometimes all at the same time, and more than likely never over what you thought you would, dishes in the sink, what’s for dinner, who makes dinner, sharing of items, and toilet paper.
  11. At least one or you will end up in the emergency room at least once. Consider it a right of passage.
  12. Contrary to what you may be thinking (or what other people are telling you), you aren’t there to change the world. You are however going to make the world a better place and that’s just as important.
  13. Just when you think can handle your position it’ll be time to leave. It’s O.K.

Bonus 14. For communities where men are a minority, which will be most of them, be respectful of their boundaries, especially when it comes to the purchasing of ladies only items. If they don’t want to buy them on their run to the store DO NOT push the issue.

*A similar version of this post was written on August 16, 2012

On The ADA Anniversary

This week is the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)

I’ve often wondered if the ADA creates more problems than it solves for some, if not all, people with disabilities. It helps A LOT, but it also causes a lot of headaches.

I’ve come to realize however, that the ADA isn’t really for people with disabilities. It’s for the people who can’t even imagine what life is like to live with a disability.

Kind of like how birthday parties really aren’t for the people they’re throne for but for the people that go to them.

Kinda.

Without knowing it I managed to grow up just as the ADA was finding its “sea legs,” which probably explains why so many aspects of my life have become, in a sense, easier even though my mobility had had an endless ebb and flow.

I once heard it said that, “those who don’t need the law are truly freed from the law,” or at least that’s the best my brain remembers it as.

The idea being (I think) that we wouldn’t need as many laws (or any) if everyone operated with the same level of moral decency.

As great of an idea as this is I doubt it will ever happen, ever. Sorry all of you who dream of world peace.

It would be nearly impossible for someone to be able to imagine what it’s like to live with a disability, unless they do in fact live with a disability themselves; besides the fact that imagining it and living it are two different things.

That’s why the ADA is so important.

It gives people a clue into what’s needed in order for people with disabilities. Although it should be pointed out that what’s deemed ADA compliant doesn’t mean it’s accessible for those who need it to be, but it’s better than nothing.

(So if you don’t know anything about the ADA or just want to test yourself feel free to read up)

As much as I (and countless others) benefit from the ADA there always seems to be something new to learn.

Such as how many loopholes there are.

Like the loopholes for already existing buildings and/or religious institutions.

As a Catholic who works in a building that’s been “grandfathered in” (multiple flights of stairs and no elevator) I curse such loopholes often.

It would be nice if there were less (or no) loopholes in the ADA but that’s only a short-term dream. Someday I’d like it if the ADA was an afterthought, making it in a sense unnecessary because access for all is a natural thing.

It seems so wildly unrealistic, but I can hope right?

*A similar version of this post was written on July 22, 2014

On Dignity & Disability

I’ve been told that it’s a good idea to set up internet alerts to keep up with the news that may interest me. While I think it’s a good idea and I have come close to doing so on more than one occasion, I’m glad I don’t have any of it. There are plenty of days when I want to pull the plug and throw my computer out without additional influence. Can you image what would happen if articles ended up in my inbox the second they were published? No thanks.

Over the last few weeks there have been a few articles that have grasped my attention and just won’t let go (and raised my blood pressure exponentially).

Please note (and respect) that I will not be linking directly to or mentioning any specific details of these articles. I’m choosing to use my “linking power” wisely.

I’m not expert on dignity but it’s been a recurring topic in my continuous inner dialogue lately. What is it? How does one achieve it? How should you go about protecting it? I think you get the idea.

The issues surrounding dignity or lack thereof and disability are really starting to get to me. I’m not the most diplomatic person (read: at all) & I have a temper, so my first reaction is usually anger and it takes me a little time to get my thoughts out so someone else can know what I’m trying to say and want to listen.

Dignity in regard to disability is not a new frontier. However, it is one that needs exploration by the able-bodied (and those related in any way to someone with a disability). It can be a tricky subject to approach in mixed (ability) company; it probably has something to do with sympathy vs empathy, or other similar topic.

I remember the first article I read that made me question how people saw dignity for people with disabilities. It made me so angry I just sat on my feelings for a while, because I wasn’t “into” being a disability advocate then so throwing my feelings out there would’ve been shocking to everyone. I kept my feeling to myself, mostly, but it’s never left my mind.

I’m pro a lot of things but I draw the line somewhere before preforming medical procedures to stop individuals from growing up, literally, because someone going through puberty and adulthood are more difficult to care for.

It’s a fact of life, disability or no disability. There shouldn’t be a separate set of rules for those with disabilities. That’s the exact opposite of what so many people fight for.

If the same thing were to happen to an able-bodied person masses of people would be up in arms and it wouldn’t even make it in front of an ethics board, never mind be approved by an ethics board.

Let’s not even discuss what would happen if a child were to ask to stay child-sized forever, because I think we can all guess what would happen.

One area I tend to struggle with my thoughts the most is in an educational setting. I’d like inclusion for all, of course, but there are situations when I wonder if it’s really possible. I’m against self-contained classrooms mostly but I’m not completely against them. If you want to reinvent the mold for your child to fit into the mold that’s fine, but not at the expense of other children, that’s not OK. A child needs to be given the best environment to flourish in the long term.

Creating a short-term solution and hoping that it “just might” evolve into a long term plan is not only irresponsible but further proving the long held myth that people with disabilities are handed opportunities because they can’t afford them for themselves.

Let’s not forget about a certain photo controversy that’s become a virtual powder keg of opinions.

To be clear the differences of opinion are with the photo. I haven’t read a single comment from someone with a disability who has a favorable opinion of the photo. At the same time the majority of positive opinions have come from parents (or caregivers etc.) of a child with a disability. While both groups (PwD & parents, etc. of PwD) are part of the disability community each comes to the community with a different point of view.

I will not be talking about the point of view of parents, etc. because I am not a parent and I am not close enough to “the etc.” to be able to speak on it effectively.

Speaking as a person with a disability I can tell you that the photo was an immediate turn off. I’ll often read articles even if the photos turn me off the subject. I’m a visual person so I understand the value of a well-placed visual, whether positive or negative. Sometimes I have to “override” first instinct and give something a chance. However using this particular photo was foul play on the part of journalists and parents.

Just because you’re OK with complete access (and/or are given it) doesn’t mean it’s OK to take advantage of it.

How many pictures have sparked controversy because a parent posted it online? Pictures of able-bodied minors in a diaper or even a questionable outfit are posted every day and someone somewhere always had an unfavorable opinion of it. And if the backlash is big enough social media accounts are suspended.

Why isn’t the same courtesy extended to an older individual who cannot speak for themselves just because a relative or caregiver gives the OK?

And what would happen if someone who could speak for themselves is perfectly fine giving a journalist full access and a similar photo was used? I doubt people would have a similar reaction. In fact I doubt a photographer would even take such a picture.

I’m going to take it one step further (maybe a step too far even). Child predators toll the internet 24/7 looking for images of people, most of them are seemingly innocent images.

People get upset and “cry porn” if a mom posts a picture of a three-year-old proudly wearing her “big girl underwear.” Yet it’s a “beautiful image” to see a disabled 16-year-old wearing nothing but a diaper.

Isn’t this a double standard?

I could probably go on and on with more examples, in fact I know I could, but I’ve said enough, for now.

A friend said things better than I ever could, “because disability is involved, we accept the notion that disability means less-than-human. We must remember that a person is a person, no matter their abilities. Everyone deserves to be presented to the world around us in a manner of dignity and respect.”(source)

*A similar version of this post was written on July 29, 2014

The Return Of The Envelope

I was standing at the admissions desk as NRH filling out paperwork before my first ever PT session as an adult. I wasn’t freaked out about the PT. I’ve done that enough to have an odd comfort level. The paperwork was annoying, but typical, until I got to the “emergency contact” portion. That’s when I freaked out.

Who should be my emergency contact?

Typically it’s my mom, but I had second thoughts. She was 6 hours away if the traffic cooperated. If there was going to be a real emergency that required the informing of someone they should be closer than 6 hours away. I thought a pizza delivery “30 minutes of less” window would be ideal. So I put down my roommate. We barely knew each other at that point & couldn’t think of a single person who I knew would be O.K. with it, without asking first.

“When I was at NRH today I had to give an emergency contact. I listed you. If you’re not O.K. with it I can change it.”

“I’m fine with it. Just let me know where you keep your stuff. I keep an envelope of all my information right here.”

Well that was easy.

Now I just had to put together an envelope:
* Medical history
* Surgical History
* Important Phone Numbers
* Copy Of Insurance Card

I left it in my desk until I graduated. When I moved across the country I told my housemates where they could find my info, if needed, because I put down the house number as my contact (meaning there were at least 3 potential contacts).

Almost 2 months ago I went to urgent care in the worst pain of my life; because I needed another reason to put off having children, if at all. I sat in the waiting room while my mom filled out my forms trying not to gag & praying I’d blackout, since that seemed to be the only potential relief.

I was sent to the ER where I sat for the equivalent of forever, before I had to answer all their dumb questions AGAIN. I wish I had my envelope back, more than one actually.

“Can we hurry this up please?!?!?! I’m in a lot of pain here & I’m gonna barf.”

(Painfully unhelpful response I won’t repeat)

Twelve hours later I was being admitted to a medical unit because my test results were “inconclusive.” Guess what happens when you get admitted on a unit? You have to answer the same questions all over again, and this is after 24+ hours of no food, no sleep, a full day of tests, and lots of M0rphine & Z0fran. I was literally falling asleep when the attending came to do her new admission rounds, because at that point you really care what a hospitalist is/does.

The conclusion of all the “in-conclusion” was that I probably passed a kidney stone & it wasn’t my appendix. The evidence being one swollen kidney since no one was able to find the kidney stone or appendix.

My conclusion? Time to bring back the envelope.

I had a follow up with an urologist in order to attempt to put this whole thing to rest since my goal is to never repeat this experience. The first was to tell me that it does in fact look like I passed the stone & to give them more details about my time in the Big House. The second was to go through everything again with the urologist after an ultrasound.

I’m “back to normal.” No restrictions, since no one seems to be able to even guess how this all happened. It could happen again, or not. My appendix is still missing however.

*A similar version of this post was written on August 21, 2012

The Matter Of Discernment

The matter of discernment puzzles me.

I was 20 before I even heard the word discernment, and then I heard quite regularly at that. It didn’t take long before “discernment” sound like the magic word for some secret society. It annoyed me to no end for a long time.

I’m not much closer to discovering what discernment really means ten years later. Although I have been told on numerous occasions that it’s not a “get out of jail free card,” so I should really stop treating it like one.

Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

It’s one of those necessary evils of life, especially if you’re Catholic, if you ask me.

There seems to be an implication that one cannot possibly find their vocation without some sort of discernment.

While this is more or less true I don’t think it can be expressed in such a cut and dry fashion if people are really going to understand discernment.

I understand that there’s no definite “right” or “wrong” way to discern.

However I’m not sure I’ve ever done it “right,” or at least the best way for me.

I have, however, done what everyone else has done.

I’ve gotten up for the sunrise masses and before class rosaries (mostly).

Gone to prayer groups and Bible studies.

Rarely ever, and I mean ever, missed fellowship or adoration.

Made every retreat possible, even a yearlong SEEL retreat that included spiritual direction.

I even joined a discernment group (albeit for other reasons, at least initially).

And they’ve had great success, although a different definition of success than the secular.

I have the dubious distinction of being a religious sister’s prayer partner for a few months during our junior year (during her final pre-nun years). Just to give you an example. I like to tell people that I helped facilitate her discernment process, because that’s how things happened in my head.

It took me a while to really get that discernment has no timetable. Although it eats on my nerves when people say they’re discerning something and you know for a fact that they’ve been doing it for years. Talk about using discernment as a “get out of jail free” card.

Let’s not even talk about the people who are so certain of their plan because they’ve discerned it within an inch of their lives and then after a day (or what feels like a day) they do a complete change of direction.

Because the mysteries of discernment go both ways, and every which way.

Discernment’s never been my thing, at least not in the same way swimming or encountering unpleasant people seem to be my things.

It would be awesome if God would just speak very loudly and very clearly after a period of prayer and self-reflection.

Unfortunately, discernment doesn’t work like that either, at least not for most people.

Discernment is important. It’s also becoming a lost art in some aspects. Just don’t ask me for advice on it, because I have no idea what I’m doing.

*A similar version of this post was written on August 6, 2014

Revisiting: The Roll Call

Since I’ve been musing about the possible death of blogging and the importance of not overstepping boundaries when it comes to storytelling I thought it would be a good idea to revisit (and then repost) the database of Cerebral Palsy related blogs, with a few vlogs thrown in.

It’s worth noting that many of these blogs haven’t been updated in years and are written by people who have family members who have CP, both facts that bring to light my previous points. However, they all have content worth looking at if you’re interested in getting to know a few individuals that make up the CP community.

This same list will be updated and expanded on an as needed basis here.

A Life Less Ordinary

A.J’s Awesome Adventures

A Place To Write Things

A T-Rex Life (Videos)

A T-Rex Life: Cerebral Palsy And Me

About The Small Stuff

Adapted World

Adventures In Mattyland

Amazing Amelia

Amazing Syafiah & Co

An INFJ With CP

And The Wheels Keep Turning

Andersen Family Blog

Ayla’s Rainbow Connection

Better Than Normal

Bird On The Street

Brace Yourself Declan

Brendan’s Life With Cerebral Palsy

Brielle and Me

Bringing The Sunshine

Caleigh’s Corner

Caneable

Cerebral Palsy Baby

Cerebral Palsy Daily Living

Cerebral Palsy Family

Cerebral Palsy Mamma

Cerebral Palsy Soccer

Coley’s Corner

CP Shoes

Cracks In The Pavement

Crip Video Productions

Dealing With My Life With CP

disABLED guy

Do It Myself Blog-Glenda Watson Hyatt

Drake And Lulu

EMDeerx Muse

Endless Jubilee

Finding My Way: Journey Of An Uppity Intellectual Activist Crip

Following Elias

Free As Trees

Gas-Food-Lodging

Hannah’s Adventures of Living Her Dreams

Hanpike

Henry’s Heroes

How Life Happens

I Heart Milo

I Will Skate

In Bloom

In My Eyes: Life With Cerebral Palsy

In The Words Of A Green Giraffe

Insights From The Sidelines

Isla’s Journey

Jake Olver (Videos)

Jentry Holthus (Videos)

John W. Quinn (Videos)

Journey With CP (Videos)

Jude, The Diary Of A Baby and A Stroke

Jump In For James

Kaitlyn’s News- Living A Happy Life With Cerebral Palsy

Katherine Hayward, My Life With Cerebral Palsy

Kelsey Can

Kendall’s Hope

Kristen’s Life With Cerebral Palsy

Lieck Triplets

Life And Family, Steve Wampler Is Living With Cerebral Palsy

Life In Holland

Life With The Loraines

Living My CP Life (videos)

Love That Max

Making My Mark

Mark Henry

Massagermommy

Mattes’s Madness

Micro Preemie Twins: The Story Of Holland & Eden

Miss Charlie

Missy’s CP Journey

My (dis)Abled Life

My Life With CP (Videos)

My Spelling Sucks

Nich Vaughan

No Superhero

Off Balanced

One Day At A Time

Our 3 Little Miracles

Outrageous Fortune

Painting For Hailey

Premeditations: Reflections On Preemie Parenting

Riley’s Smile

Rob J. Quinn

Ryn Tale’s Book Of Days

Sammy’s Walk Through Life

Smith’s Holiday Road

So… How Did You Break Your Leg Then?

Spashionista Report

Speak Up, Sit Down

Special Momma

Stories With Sam

Team Aidan

That Crazy Crippled Chick

The Blessing Counter

The CP Diary

The Deal With Disability

The Fabulous Adventures of a Four-Legged Woman

The Galli-ringo Family

The Girl In The Wheelchair

The Grappler Within

The Nest

The Writer

Three Chocolate Brownies

Tonia Says

Trailblazing With CP

Trousdell Five

Tutti Frutti

Twingle Mommy

Unexpected Lessons

Updates on Lewis Jack

Verses Of Vaughan

Victor’s Smile

View From A Walking Frame

Welcome Blessings

Welcome To Elijahland

Wherever He Leads We’ll Go

Writer In A Wheelchair

Zachary Fenell (Videos)

Something

It’s been a busy week for me, so busy in fact I thought I might go a week without blogging, because the previous post was written before its actual postdate. So, I have about an hour to come up with something before the rest of my week, weekend included carries me away in its wake.

Oh, course I have next week off, and seemingly all the time in the world. Why does that always happen?

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the car this week going from place to place, particularly yesterday, so I’ve had plenty of time to think in the midst of my self-imposed craziness.

It’s no secret that I’ve been doing a lot of reading these last few months, but even so the one thing I haven’t been reading is the Bible. There’s no excuse for it, it is sitting on the end table after all, less than a foot from where I sit to write, although I have been known to do a quick “verse check” now and then, thanks to the world wide web.

Although verses are still finding their way into my thoughts, no matter how long it’s been since I’ve had quality Bible time.

Even though I’ve been so busy I’ve been taking time, or rather seizing opportunities, to get out there and make an attempt to step out of my comfort zone. Since having surgery, and even before that, I’ve felt the Lord had given me a special mission. For those of you who have read Sleeping With Bread I’m talking about my sealed orders here.

But is hasn’t been an easy process………
(Is it ever?)

I know I can’t sit and wait for things to happen. But what direction do I go in? What if I go the wrong way? What if I go in the exact opposite direction of where I’m supposed to go?

So I’ve been being intentional and thoughtful of how I spend my free time these days, beginning this week. I’ve been trying to get “me,” for lack of a better word, out there. I’m considering saying “Yes” to things I would typically say “No” to. Just to see what happens. Maybe saying “yes” when I would’ve said “no” will make all the difference.

It’s working out well so far, as far as I can tell anyway.

Here’s to saying “Yes” even when you really don’t want to.

*A similar version of this post was written on May 21, 2010

On Change

I’ve been trying to write something for more than a week. You’ve been there, right?

If you haven’t, lie to me.

May has been a challenging month. It went from being, “If I can just make it though these next few weeks” to “If I can just make it though this month.”

For those of you familiar with the spoon theory; I am out of spoons, almost.

I’m not sure where or when it started. At this point it doesn’t matter much. Life happens.

May (and a portion of April) has involved a lot of change. I have a love/hate relationship with change. It’s nice to break from the usual but the usual is the usual for a reason, because it works.

I’ve been thinking a lot about change. It’s a common topic of my life these days. I use to think I could handle change pretty easily, sure there were rough moments but they were manageable. And it was only one thing happening at once, usually.

These days every change seems to be followed by another, if not preceding another. It’s a lot. When I found myself “escaping” to my day job I discovered my “fill line” for change.

I keep telling friends and family that I feel things changing, and I wonder if they’re for the better, for the worse, or just time for it. My brain has been going through a category phase. It needs to categorize as much as it can as quickly as it can.

The thing that’s bothering me about all of this change, I think, is that 99% isn’t under my control, I chose very little of it. Change is exciting when you choose it or when you choose to accept it. I’ve had to figure out where I fit, if at all, in all of it. It’s not a fun process.

Change has a ripple effect. Even if you’re not the one changing the change can still affect you; hence the reason why I’ve had to figure out where I fit in constantly changing interpersonal dynamics with those around me.

To make matters worse, or at least it felt like it at the time, an opportunity presented itself that I wanted to take. It just wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I had to write an essay. But it just wasn’t just an essay. It had to be a personal statement.

In an effort to lesson my mental anguish at the process people asked if I had something already written that I could just update. Under the advice of a high school teacher I’ve kept everything I’ve ever written, mostly, even notes. So it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that I had a personal statement somewhere, or something I could turn into one.

I did the math, for filing purposes, at least at first. The last time I wrote an essay, of any kind, was ’07 (ironically April).

A lot has changed since then. I’m not a completely different person than I was back then but a lot has changed. None of those most “recent” essays would do.

Change happens. How you handle it is where the real change(s) seem to occur.

In the meantime, does anyone out there have any extra spoons?

*A similar version of this post was written on May 30, 2013